The LAD Bible

The LAD Commandments


1) Thou shall always live life by the LAD Bible.

2) Thou shall not take the name of the LAD in vain.

3) Thou shall covet thy neighbours breasts.

4) Thou shall spread the seed in as many females as possible.

5) Thou shall drink beer and fornicate.

6) If thy neighbour is fit, thou shall find joy inside of her.

7) Thou shall not lay in the wet patch.

8) Thou shall not claim to have been inside a girl if you have not.

9) Thou shall not covet your friend’s girlfriend; you shall not covet your friends wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your friends.

10) If a girl refuses intercourse after a night out, thou shall empty yourself in her bin and leave.

11) If your girlfriend asks you to buy her an ice lolly, thou shall buy her a Calippo so she can practice.

12) Before a night out, thou shall binge on pineapple juice so that your produce tastes like fruit from he sacred garden of Eden.

13) Thou shall invite a girl over to watch a film and watch the first 15 minutes only.

14) Thou shall not commit adultery.

15) Thou shall pretend to agree with everything your girlfriend is saying.

16) Thou shall take a fellow LADS mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her back.

17) Thou shall always drink more than you can handle.

18) Thou shall not lie. Thou shall merely bend the truth.

19) Thou shall remember the saying, “Up the rectum won’t affect them”.

20) Thou shall share hot MILF with friend if opportunity arises.

21) Thou shall steam in when the lads need you in a scrap, windmilling like a loon.

22) Thou shall not kiss and tell, but thou shall shag and shout.

23) Thou shall rate all girls out of 10 when informing about conquests.

24) Thou shall not bail thy mate out of jail, rather thou shall be in thy cell with said mate.

25) Thou shall not turn down alcohol when it’s offered to you.

26) Thou shall accept any vagina when offered. For any hole remains a goal.

27) Thou shall treat a women with respect. Unless she refuses sexy time.

28) Thou shall not penetrate a Watermelon.

29) Thou shall specialise in creating and distributing exquisite banter.

30) Thou shall always fart in bed and stuff thy girls head under the covers.

31) Thou should vow to back up thy friends in any situation of uncertainty, even if they’re in the wrong.

32) Thou shall give thy girlfriend all the attention she needs, unless thou is at an important part of the season on FIFA.

33) Thou shall never order a salad, unless on a kebab.

34) Thou shall not pass up opportunities to go out on the lash in order to see a girl, unless penetration is promised by the girl.

35) Thou shall record yourself with your girl, then put on a movie and popcorn evening for all the lads.

36) Thou shall always take the minger so your friend can get with the fit bird.

37) Thou has to make sacrifices in the name of the Wingman.

38) Thou shall never eat a girl out if thine bro was there befourest unless thine wench hast bathed.

39) Thou shall bash and dash if thy woman refuses to make thee a sandwich in the morning.

40) Thou shall scream if thy woman does not shave thee female area.

41) Thou shall inform everyone when thou require a poo.

42) Thou shall worship Oasis.

43) Thou shall deface who ever falls asleep first at a party.

44) Thou shall spend every minute in the pub, unless thou is smashing some back doors in.


46) Thou shall penetrate thy best mates mum for banter.

47) Thou shall never leave a man behind unless it’s Ian.

48) Thou shall obey the rule, “When thy river runs red, thou shall take the dirty route instead.”

49) Thou shall not hesitate to have the last beer or slice of pizza. But never both.

50) Thou shall never wear Speedos.

51) Thou must eat the hottest curries known to man. Then pretend this does not phase thou one little bit.

52) Thou shall de-face a woman with ones man juice.

53) Thou shall warn one female that if she shall not swallow, one’s eye will suffer the consequences.

54) Thou shall not go out on the piss with a fully loaded weapon.

55) Thou shall do their complete best in the bedroom no matter what woman it is.

56) If one’s seed is planted and offspring produced, thou should deny any exploration to that female’s clunge.

57) Thou should always list ones local as his second address if requested.

58) Thou shall not class a prostitute as a notch but merely a spunk bucket.

59) Thou shall never listen to Justin Bieber.

60) Thou shall never turn down the offer of a free Jagerbomb.

61) Thou shall never score a jew goal in FIFA.

62) In the unlikely event a LAD ever meets Justin Bieber, thou MUST punch him in the face.

63) Thou shall not have a homosexual as a son.

64) Thou shall refer to his woman as his slampiece.

65) Thou shall grow a beard of wisdom throughout winter.

66) Thou shall not choose FIFA over women, unless done at the same time.

67) Thou shall never allow thy woman to wear the trousers.

68) Thou shall never buy a female an alcoholic beverage unless entry to her is guaranteed.

69) Thou should never use pubic hair as organic dental floss.

70) Thou shall always make her scream.

71) Thou shall never strike another man in the private area.

72) When showering thou shall only use the womans ridicously priced shampoo and conditioner on your pubes, because they’re worth it.

73) Thou shall not quit at the end of a game of FIFA, regardless of thine deficit.

74) Thou shall not feel guilty for falling asleep 30 seconds after sex.

75) Thou shall always order the largest meals at the restaurant and thou shall not be afraid of what awaits you in the throne room, it is the right of passage for any true lad.

76) Thou shall never sign Emile Heskey on FIFA, regardless of whatever financial difficulty, lack of players or league you’re in.

77) Thou shall always inform fellow LADS of recent sexual conquests no matter how ugly the woman was.

78) Thou shall only complain about beer if the temperature is unsuitable.

79) Thou shall cut ties with any female if at any time she decides that she does not want to swallow the babies.

80) Thou shall always get pissed at every opportunity regardless of financial stability.

81) Thou shall refer to her being on her period as blow job week .

82) Thou shall look to Hefner and strive to emulate his achievements in the bridging of the age-gap.

83) Thou understands that there is no such thing as ‘one quick pint’.

84) Thou shall never stay, or let a woman stay the night unless morning sex is guaranteed.

85) Thou shall never talk about fight club.

86) Thou shall show true respect regarding any true lad currently out in the middle east or sadly no longer with us.

87) Thou shall request a COD-job at any given moment.

88) Thou shall always hang thy England towel with pride over every hotel balcony, every time.

89) Thou shall always wipe thou sword on the curtain after a one night stand.

90) Thou shall never call it the walk of shame, but the stride with pride.

91) Thou shall never let any LAD be more LAD-ish than himself.

92) Thou shall always screw the system.

93) Thou shall never order half a pint.

94) Thou shall drink triple, see double and act single.

95) Thou shall always prefer Pippa to Kate Middleton.

96) Thou shall follow the rules of shotgun.

97) Thou shall never be whipped in the way of pussy.

98) Thou shall always refer to thou best footwear as ‘Pussy Wellies’ as thou shall strive to be knee deep in clunge.

99) Thou shall remember faitfully, “What happens on tour stays on tour”.

100) Thou shall always speaketh as if thee is in the era of the commandments whilst conversing of all duties lad-related.


The LADS Prayer

Our LADS who art in women,
Whatever be thy name.
Thy Sperm will come.
In the Fanny or the Bum
at home as it is in a brothel.
Give us this day our daily head,
and forgive us our Eagerness,
as we forgive those who are frigid against us,
and lead us into temptation,
but deliver us from babies.
For LADS made the kingdom,
and the LAD power, and the morning glory,
for ever and ever.



101) Thou shall not break the sacred bond of the wolf pack.

102) Thou shall never take a turtle out of its tank at a party and pretend to shag it whilst drunk for the “lols”.

103) Thou shall unconditionally perform wingman duties when thou is called upon in the field of conflict.

104) Thou shall always save the queen when a coin is thrown in your beer.

105) Thou shall never willing watch ‘The Notebook’ unless clunge in guaranteed.

106) Thou shall not talk to one another whilst urinating in a urinal.

107) If thou drinks Carlsberg (3.8%) thou is a sissy girl.

108) Thou shall not fake tan.

109) Thou shall always indulge thy self in witty and unnecessary banter with fellow LAD’s.

110) Thou shall never take pictures of themselves in the mirror.

111) Thou shall always keep a minimum of 4 johnnys in thy wallet at all times.

112) Thou shall never purchase or wear male Uggs.

113) Thou shall never put ‘xoxoxo’ in any text message or Facebook status.

114) Thou shall turn directly to page 3 whenever reading The Sun.

115) Thou shall always remind fellow LAD if his mum is a MILF.

116) Thou must never enter the kitchen, as this is the women’s resting place.

117) Thou shall always be in a charge of the BBQ.

118) Thou shall fail to understand vegetarians.

119) Thou shall settled everything by rock paper sissors or coin flipping.

120) Thou shall always remember your wellies just in case thou are knee deep in clunge.

121) Everything that is spoken by Jeff Stelling is sacred, even if said on Countdown.

122) Thou must feed their pony hay and call it Clit Clops or Snorkals.

123) Thou shall ignore the words “don’t ” and “stop” unless spoken in fast succession together by a hot girl.

124) Thou shall be judged by KDR on call of duty.

125) Thou shall never forget the Beckham free-kick against Greece.

126) Thou shall never try and explain thy offside rule to a woman.

127) Respect the grandLAD’s, for they have been there and done that.

128) If thou should stumble upon other LADs watching a sporting event, thou may ask the score of the game in progress, but thou shall not ask who is playing.

129) Thou shall never watch Glee, High School Musical or anything similar.

130) Thou shall always live life by the LAD Bible.

131) Under no circumstances shall two LADS share an umbrella.

132) Thou shall always refer to Top Gear when deciding what new auto-mobile to purchase.

133) Once gaining the legendary status of a LAD, thou shall be free to fuck shit up at all times.

134) Thou shall always lean forward on FIFA when losing, before relaxing back into seat when scores are levelled.

135) Thou shall never ask for directions.

136) Thou shall only come on Facebook to read the LAD Bible.

137) Thou shall argue with any bouncer, for physical brawn is no match for LAD banter.

138) Thou shall always pre-drink before a pre-drink.

139) Thou should frown upon racism.

140) Thou shall tell a brother about any sightings of cleavage.

141) Thou shall quote Ron Burgundy at least once during intercourse.

142) Thou shall never answer the question “Who do you support?” by saying “Oh, i dont follow football”.

143) Thou shall watch every Will Ferrell film ever made.

144) Thou shalt not frown upon the friend who vomits, but admire his space creating efforts for more alcohol.

145) Thou shall have performed ‘The Sprinkler’.

146) Thou shall never say a ‘your mum’ joke.

147) Thou shall never go for the fat girl unless challenged by other LADs.

148) Thou shall turn something off then on again if it’s not working. If that doesn’t work then it’s beyond repair.

149) Thou shall always run from thy taxi if the chance arises.

150) If thou has to have a threesome with another LAD, thou shall be at opposite ends and maketh no eye contact.

151) Thou shall know, and take every possible opportunity to recite Liam Neeson’s speech from the film ‘Taken’.

152) Thou shall completely disregard instructions for flat pack furniture and use more than the necessary amount of glue.

153) Thou shall not kiss a girl after a blowjob.

154) If dating one half of a twin, thou should invite the other for a threesome.

155) Thou shall smite Micheal Bay for firing Megan Fox.

156) In times of crisis thou shall always ask the question ‘What would Charlie Sheen do?’.

157) Thou shall only buy a dog if it is larger than knee height when fully grown.

158) Thou shall not put song lyrics as a Facebook status.

159) Thou shall perfect the “Bowler’s Grip” technique to gain the ultimate fingering reputation.

160) Thou shall go for breast if vagina is out of bounds.

161) Thou shall always “Stay Classy” no matter what.

162) If a girl says they are bisexual, thou must assume they are up for a threesome.

163) Thou must never let anyone make you bleed your own blood.

164) Thou must always make the girl climax first.

165) Thou shall always take any opportunity to complement thy mate on how fit his sister is.

166) Thou LAD who hesitates, masturbates.

167) Thou must go offline to watch family guy at 11:00pm every weeknight.

168) Thou shall never listen to a girls life story, unless thou thinks the later reference of said information will increase thine chances of seeing her vertical ham sandwich.

169) Thou must aspire to be Chuck Norris, anything less is failure.

170) Thou shall understand that bird, is truly the word.

171) Thou shall not put a massive exhaust on a shitty little car.

172) Thou shall not have a profile picture of thine torso, because to do so renders thee a homosexual.

173) Thou shall not poke other LAD’s on Facebook.

174) Thou shall not pass.

175) Thou should always use the best form of protection during intercourse- not telling the girl where you live.

176) Thou shall remember the wise words of Leslie Chow, ‘Toodle-oo, motherfuckers.’

177) Thou shall (at least once with a female of choice) wipe your ejaculate across her head and say, in a meaningful tone, “Simba”.

178) Thou must take the option of “Dare” as “Truth” is for sissy’s and homo’s.

179) Thou shall always admit to a fart that makes multiple people gag. It’s an achievement.

180) Thou shall never pass across the box on FIFA, else thou shall be deemed a boring bastard.

181) Thou, at all times, must ridicule the virign of the group.

182) Thou shall never speak to a women about the LAD Bible.

183) Thou shall respect Steak and Blowjob Day and keep it holy.

184) Thou shall worship thy God (the creator of this page).

185) Thou shall always ‘Go hard or Go home’.

186) Thou shall always give the order ‘Knives and forks out lads’ if thou sees a girl over 7 at a distance. If one was simply obscured by distance and the girl does not meet the requirements for a 7 at close range, a new order must be given: ‘Put them away lads, put them away. Dinner for one’.

187) Thou shall remember that when thou is Live on Channel 4, thou must not swear.

188) When thou takes part in sexual intercourse with the 100th women, thou shall parade around the bedroom saluting the imaginary crowd in your cricket gear, celebrating ones century.

189) Thou shall quote Alans Wolf-Pack speech before thy LAD’s go for a night out.

190) Thou shall always wear Lynx deodorant, as it is the deodorant which rakes in the pussy.

191) Thou shall not plank.

192) Any female proving hard to bed shall be refered to as a Nobstacle course.

193) Under no circumstances should sexual intercourse be undertaken during Match of The Day (known as ‘The Sabbath’). This commandment may be broken on the occasion of… – A one-night-stand LASS being available for one night only. – The one night stand LAD in question being heartily drunk. – The LAD’s sky+ being set to record the Sabbath. – Thou can, alternatively, see the Sabbath whilst the aforementioned LASS provides a hearty blow job.

194) Thou cannot own a Ford KA.

195) Thou shall worship Snatch and Lock Stock.

196) Thou shall never say the word ‘Reem’.

197) Thou shall never own a briefcase.

198) Thou shall always order a foot long.

199) In times of rejection thou shall never feel sorry for thy self, in such times referring to songs such as ‘Neyo – So Sick’ is absolutely forbidden. Instead thou shall comfort himself with a cold beer, a box full of kleenex and the vast stores of internet porn modern technology has blessed LADkind with.

200) Thou must never share the LAD Bible with a female as it would distract her from her sandwich making duties.

201) Thou must always make an effort to revive an injured teamate on COD.

202) Thou shall have 1 speed and 1 gear: ‘Go’.

203) When faced with the hardest decision in life, thou shall not ask for guidance but merely follow The LAD Bible.

204) Thou shall declare Cheryl Cole to be an object of great beauty, but nothing more.

205) Thou shall always lie about you job, to make them selves look more appealing to the opposite sex who is a 9 or better, for example. “I’m an RAF pilot” or “an astronaut in training”.

206) Thou shall never drink sugar free Red Bull.

207) Thou shall never question Stephen Fry.

208) Thou shall never waste an erection.

209) Thou shall never rate a girl as a 10 because there is always a hotter girl.

210) Thou shall always try and squeeze in as many fingers as possible.

211) Thou must always go balls deep.

212) Thou shall ‘Auto-bots transform!’ when changing sex position.

213) Thou must have many leather bound books.

214) Thou shall accept thy will never pull better than McLovin’.

215) Thou shall announce to all upon delivery of a turd of epic proportions. Thou shalt also leave it unflushed as to allow others to gaze upon said epic faecal sculpture.

216) Thou shall take solace in the fact that although she broke your heart; you broke her hymen.

217) Thou shall go MILF hunting in Iceland because mums go to Iceland.

218) Thou shall remember that beauty is just a light switch away.

219) Thou shall not be mistaken by a lady boy.

220) Thou shall learn how to undo a bra with one hand, as fast as possible, and thou shall attain divine status if thou can do this whilst heavy petting and without her noticing.

221) Thou must always do the sniff test.

222) Thou shall accept that a ‘Shit Load’ is a standard unit of measurement.

223) Thou must never turn up to a pre-drinking session with just a four pack.

224) Thou shall accept that the DFS sale is never going to end.

225) Thou must only read Nuts, Zoo, FHM and The LAD Bible.

226) Thou shall never consider T4 on the Beach a festival.

227) Thou must eat multiple bags of Skittles a day so when he ejaculates in thy wench’s mouth, she can “Taste the Rainbow”.


I stole this. It’s not my own work. Google it and you’ll find the source.